Alcohol Humor News Satire

Reasons Why I am Drinking This Week

Man, I don’t know if I have enough drinks to keep up with all the juicy news that has been happening lately. I will certainly try, though. I may have to actually break out the cheap, light beers that have been in my fridge for about a year. Anyway, let’s take a look at what is currently going on that deserves some big gulps of alcohol-rich beverages.

Affluenza Teen

Affluenza-TeenUgh. If you want a perfect example of the worst kind of millennial ever, this kid is it. Ethan Couch, now 18, was responsible for the death of 4 people after driving drunk back in 2013. The judge gave him 10 years probation after his attorney successfully used the “affluenza” defense…that Ethan was too spoiled to know the difference between right and wrong. Since then, Ethan skipped out on probation, and escaped to Mexico with his mom where he racked up $1,000 on strippers and drinks. Poor kid. The money is still causing brain damage. Maybe his actual punishment should be taping his eyes open, and showing him endless hours of ABC Afterschool Special.

North Korea

Kim-jong-un

Okay, I might have to have a few shots for this one. North Korea has claimed that they completed a nuclear test involving a hydrogen bomb. While many are skeptical that North Korea actually has this capability, the fact of the matter is they are only a few years away from making it happen. I’ll say this in another way: An isolated country with a psychopath leader, and 1.2 million active soldiers may have H-bomb capabilities in a few years. I may be heading up to Wal-Mart this weekend to look into gas masks and underground shelters.

The Standoff in Oregon
ammon-bundy

Image Credit: Associated Press

Ammon Bundy and his band of armed men have seized the headquarters of Oregon’s Malheur National Wildlife Refuge. I was very disappointed to find out that this “band” was not armed with banjos and musical washboards. Instead, they were armed with guns, because they are upset about the government’s control over lands in the west. There has been no sign of law enforcement in the area. As you can see, Bundy’s group is very close to getting the land that belongs rightly to them, and not to anyone else, because everyone knows that the land had no occupants before Americans “discovered” it in the 1800s.

HBO Show Girls to End
GIrls

Image Credit: HBO

Award-winning HBO show Girls will end its run after its 6th season. No longer will we be able to watch super cool women in their early 20s trying to figure out what life is all about in New York City. I’m just so sad I won’t be able to see my life played out on screen anymore. Well, it’s my life except for being super cool. And in the early 20s. And being in New York. I am a woman, though.

Bear or Dog?
BEAR

Image Credit: Ryan Horn/The Dog Spot

The internet was set ablaze after a picture of a brown fuzz ball was posted on social media, and people had long debates over whether or not it was a bear or a dog. This was probably the most controversial story since the blue or gold dress debacle of 2015. Luckily, the answer came quickly before people started rioting in the streets. It was, in fact, a dog named Bounce in the photo. Phew.

Did I tell you it was a doozy of a week or what? Shake up another martini…you deserve it.

About the author

The Lady Wine Gifted

My name is Jessica Trejo, and I'm not afraid to admit that I drink. That's why I'm Wine Gifted. I like talking and writing about wine and drinking!

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