Satire Slurred Words Wine Humor

Could New Planet Kepler-452b Mean More Wine For Us?!

NASA recently announced that their planet hunter, the Kepler Space Telescope, has discovered an Earth-like planet. They have been calling this planet Kepler-452b, because I guess Earth Jr. is not totally appropriate given it’s bigger than Earth the 1st. Anyway, like Master Earth, Kepler-452b circles a sun-like star with the orbit taking about a year (385 days vs. King Earth’s 365 days.) This is one of the most incredible discoveries of all time, people. Sure, sure…it could mean the discovery of new alien life forms, but that’s not what I’m talking about. This new planet could open us up to countless new wines!

Earth v Kepler

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that I am tired of Earthly wines. There are still so many that I have yet to try. However, like many other Earthlings, I just want to know that I won’t run out of options (for example, I will only frequent a Starbucks that is 2 doors down from another Starbucks.) You know how it is with wines here. Not all vintages are going to be great. Things like climate and/or amount of rainfall don’t always stay the same from year to year, which can affect grape growth and wine quality. If we have an Earth #2, we could have double or triple the amount of vineyards and wineries. More vineyards and wineries will increase the chance of more quality wines to choose from!

Also, Kepler-452b means that there are potentially millions of new winemakers out there. And who knows what Kepler beings are like? Each Keplerian could have 4 to 6 arms, and upwards of 17 legs. More arms and legs mean more hands and feet. More hands and feet means faster wine making. Faster wine making means way more wine! Oh yeah, we can’t forget…MORE TASTING ROOMS!! Furthermore, I can’t wait to have more wine country vacation packages to choose from. Granted, if my background in space shippery has taught me anything, it’s that a 1400 light-year travel will probably be pretty hard on our human bodies; however, I think it’ll be worth it to grab a case of the 2020 Keplerian Estates Malbec. by SCHMETZPETZ by SCHMETZPETZ

I’ll admit, there is a theory that Kepler-452b is close to its demise since the star it is orbiting is dying (which means that heat could be evaporating all the Keplerian water sources.) I, however, will continue to have faith that Kepler is a thriving planet that will be another resource for my unquenchable wine thirst. (My belief is that NASA has never really cared for me, so they are just trying to ruin my fun.) I suggest you all get ready for a big change to the wine industry as we know it. I just hope that when you are drinking a 2036 vintage of 452b Hills Merlot, you all remember that Wine Gifted was the very first to talk about this.

About the author

The Lady Wine Gifted

My name is Jessica Trejo, and I'm not afraid to admit that I drink. That's why I'm Wine Gifted. I like talking and writing about wine and drinking!


  • Just when I think there is no way Wine Gifted could possibly make this current event about Wine, you somehow pull it off. Bravo.

    BTW…When you say “King Earth” are you talking about where we live?
    If so, 365 days would be the way to go.

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