Satire Slurred Words Wine Humor

5 First World Problems Only Wine Lovers Have

There are many trials and tribulations that one goes through over the course of a lifetime. As human type beings, we must learn how to overcome the curveballs that are thrown at us. Through determination and perseverance, we gain the strength we need to go on, and even become better. We’ve decided to talk about some of the problems that many of us face on a daily basis. Oh yeah, I guess I should mention that these are problems only related to wine. Still very serious, though.

When red wine spills on furniture.

Have you spilled wine on your couch before? You can’t just throw a couch in the washer. You have to put blood, sweat, and tears (or maybe just slight muscle exertion) into scrubbing the couch in just the right way so as to not cause a stain. It’s even worse when you spill wine on someone else’s couch, because there’s a 56% chance you’ll be known as the person that can’t be trusted when drinking. Why does everything bad happen to you?

When the battery in your electric wine opener dies.

Ugh. The worst. Maybe you forgot to charge or replace the battery, and there’s not a backup. This means it’s going to take an extra 20 seconds to get to your wine, because you have to use an old school wine opener that requires manual screwing and pulling. Also, the chance of you breaking that cork is like 60%. Life is terrible.

When you have no room for the corks.

You don’t really know why, but you insist upon keeping all the corks you remove from wine bottles. I know…it just feels weird the throw them away. There’s only so many that a drawer can hold, so you have to find a place for a cork collection that grows every single day. Sure, you could do something crafty with them, but you actually need to have a little artistic talent for that. There’s really nothing you can do but wait for the corks to overtake your home, and become your master. How can you go on?

When you can no longer wear white while drinking wine.

Maybe you look really good in white, because it brings out the color in your eyes, and the purple of your lips. The problem is that you can’t wear those white pants that really compliment your figure anymore. You’re a wine drinker, and no white article of clothing can survive a night with red wine. (I guess you could always switch to drinking just white wine, but how are you going to strengthen your habit if you don’t diversify your wine portfolio?) Life is unfair.

When the party you’re at only has cheap wine.

Nothing against cheap wine. There are some pretty decent cheap wines out there. However, what I am talking is that really cheap, bad wine. Maybe it’s in a jug. Maybe it’s in a box. Either way, you have to drink it, because you can’t leave the party to go get wine, and there’s no way you’re not going to drink wine at this party. It’s going to be a long night of hard swallows, and breathing out of your mouth. (If you let the wine permeate all your senses, you will most certainly die.) Oh the agony!

We just want you all to know that we understand your pain, but we have every confidence that you will make it though. Keep strong.

About the author

The Lady Wine Gifted

My name is Jessica Trejo, and I'm not afraid to admit that I drink. That's why I'm Wine Gifted. I like talking and writing about wine and drinking!

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