Well, it’s been a while since we’ve communicated with the world…approximately a year. Why? To be honest, it’s because we’ve been very depressed. We won’t go into too many details, but it’s been a rough year. We ran a campaign of wine for president 2016 and lost. Granted, not by much…we think about 65 million people supported wine on election night. But still, we lost.
In any event, we’ve been trying to deal by drinking – you guessed it – milk. Just kidding. It’s been wine. And, it’s been A LOT of wine. Red, white, pink, bottle, box…we’ve been dabbling in it all. Since we’ve had some time to self-reflect, we’ve decided to get back on that horse! And so, we are officially announcing that we are running wine for president again!
Wine’s New Platform
In the last campaign, there was only one goal in the platform: to make you feel better. While that’s still true, two more goals have been added to the mix:
1. No Politics
Wine plans to take the politics out of politics. We call nullitics. Wine will be in the pockets of no one! Well, that is, unless you put a tiny bottle of wine in your pocket to sneak it into a movie theater.
2. Honesty and Accuracy
Wine is not going to make up or flub up history. Wine is the only candidate that has been around for all of history; every single thing that’s happened to the world ever, wine has been there. For example, wine knew Frederick Douglass (we’re winking at you and most of you probably know why.)
Wine Won’t Use Private Jets
Travel will only be by post! Or, if we’re feeling fancy, FedEx. Or, maybe pony express. (That’s right…we might bring back pony express because horseys are fun.) That’s going to save America roughly $16 billion a year.
Wine’s Twitter Policy
There’ll be no announcement of laws or declaration of war communicated via Twitter. The only tweet you’ll get from wine is Why? That’s how much wine cares about Twitter.
Wine Is Still Only Working for You
We can’t stress this enough, people. Wine isn’t going to convince you to do or support anything. Well, maybe besides supporting a pizza or burrito at 2 a.m. Or, singing “Don’t’ Stop Believin’” on the top of your lungs when you don’t even like Journey. Either way, you’re going to have moments of joy.
Wine has been around forever and will be around forever, doing the good work and fighting the good fight. Case and point: Wine hasn’t forgotten the single-celled microorganisms it served 4 billion years ago. Don’t you want wine to be there for you both before and after the Earth is taken over by the **artificial intelligence we’re currently developing to make our lives easier, but we’re not realizing it’s all becoming self-aware and planning the moment to take down our power grid and make us all its slaves? We sure do!
So, as you cry yourself to sleep every night, just remember that there’s a sliver lining: WINE FOR PRESIDENT 2020! Spread the word!
**NOTE: If you don’t believe artificial intelligence is going to destroy us all, just give this a watch…