Ugh, the last few months have been the worst. Politicians are gross. Citizens are on the verge of ripping each other’s throats out. I’ve decided that, for the good of the nation, it’s time that I get involved in politics. As such, I’ve decided to put all my energy into campaigning for wine. Here is why you all should vote for wine for president.
Wine Will Show You the Way
Wine has only one issue on its platform: to make you feel better. It will help you forget things like your horrific job, your 17-hour commute, the $72,000+ in income taxes you pay every year (which is weird because your salary is like $50,000 a year), and the house your kids set on fire.
Wine Has Been Around the Longest
Sure, Hillary Clinton has over 30 years of experience being a public servant and Donald Trump has 70 years experience in being obnoxious, but that’s nothing compared to wine. In fact, the first two molecules on the planet only got together to create all life after two bottles of wine and a Netflix binge. (I guess we just found our vice president!)
Wine Doesn’t Use Email
If you want to get in touch with wine, all you have to do is open its cork. You don’t have to hop on to your Hotmail or AOL account to communicate with it. This is important because there will be no chance of your confidential emails getting out. Can you imagine if the world found out that you told wine *Chumbawamba’s ”Tubthumping” is your jam? It’d be chaos.
Wine Doesn’t Use Twitter
You’ll never have to worry about late night/early morning Twitter rants. The only thing wine does at 3 am is dehydrate you.
Wine Works for YOU
Wine is not in the pockets of Wall Street or Putin or Justin Bieber pants. It won’t convince you to do or support anything. Well, maybe besides karaoke. Wine may try to convince you to support karaoke. Oh, and Chumbawamba’s ”Tubthumping”. In any instance, its goal is to make you happy. Oh, and maybe also help you stomach the election…and the news…and all people.
So, when it comes time to cast your *vote next month, just remember…WINE AND NETFLIX BINGE FOR PRESIDENT 2016!
1. For those of you who aren’t a part of the Chumbawamba fan club, this is “Tubthumbing”…
2. Seriously, though…make sure to vote for real.